Late Bloomer Self-Discovery

Melissa Giberson 0:44

There's a lot of grief . You can't go through such a change without grieving for what you thought you were going to , the life you thought you were gonna have . Grieving how , the obstacles , what comes along , grieving the impact on other people . But then there's also the hope .

April Snow 1:08

Welcome to Sensitive Stories , the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open . I'm your host , psychotherapist and author , april Snow . I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm . In this episode I talk with Melissa Giberson about being a late bloomer , the grief , messiness and hope of discovering yourself and your sexuality later in life , and the magical moments that are possible when you take a risk to listen to your inner voice .

April Snow 1:54

Melissa is an author , occupational therapist and a proud mama bear to two children . Her essays have appeared in multiple online and in print publications and her first book is the Late Bloomer Finding my Authentic Self at Midlife . A native New Yorker , she , her partner and their two cats split their time between New Jersey and Provincetown Massachusetts . For more HSP resources and to see behind-the-scenes video from the podcast , join me on Instagram , tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list . Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom . And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional . Let's dive in . So , melissa , in your book Late Bloomer , you talk about how you accidentally discovered that you're highly sensitive , and I'm curious to hear more about that over that .

Melissa Giberson 3:10

you're highly sensitive and I'm curious to hear more about that . It actually was very much on accident . My partner and I went to a yoga retreat center where they do educational classes , and she had signed us up for something that was meaningful to her and wanted to be supportive and , you know , went ahead . I had prepared . It wasn't a class I would have selected for myself and so I wanted to kind of go in because I do like to be prepared . You know , typically never really thought about why . It's just something I knew about myself that , oh , I should prepare , you know , and again , so many things I would do , never even thought about it , just did it .

Melissa Giberson 3:55

And we show up in this beautiful place in Western Massachusetts in what turns out to be a very small classroom , hard chairs and this topic . That's very foreign to me . I don't have a huge investment in it , and one of the first things after the instructor does her initial introduction is break up into small groups and I'm like , oh , how I dread that . I just dread that really . So I kind of , you know , I muddle through a little bit and I get through . The first night is a short one and I get through the next morning my partner and I have a small little not a great exchange , you know , having to do with some family stuff , but it was just enough that I was like , okay , you know so I wasn't embracing this anymore . I was already uncomfortable . We go back to this small little classroom and I'm just not feeling it now . And you know so I'm like it feels like it's closing in on me and just feels like now it was going to be a longer day .

Melissa Giberson 5:07

And I'm like I don't think I can do this , like I'm listening to my body , my body's just getting really uncomfortable and I'm envisioning myself in this small space with these people and this topic . I'm already upset and I just feel something brewing inside of me that says this is not going to work for me and I decide to leave , which is a little out of character for me , because it's like you know , sweat it out , don't you know ? I work really hard not to be embarrassed . I didn't want her to be any more upset , but I knew I just couldn't spend the whole day there .

Melissa Giberson 5:41

And so I picked up and I was like you know what ? It's a beautiful day , I'm going to go outside , I'm going to take care of me . Maybe I'll come back later , Right Cause beautiful campus .

Revelation of Self-Understanding

Melissa Giberson 5:50

So as I'm walking out , I pass what would be a larger room with a little index card with a couple of interesting questions . Like you know , do you have , you know , whatever it was , these crazy dreams ? I'm like , oh yeah , Do you know , do you have a wild inner ? Like , yeah , what is this ? Like everything , except my name was on that index card . Right , you saw yourself .

Melissa Giberson 6:15

I sneak in . I hide in the corner huge room as opposed to where I had just come from . People everywhere . They're not just sitting in chairs . Some are in chairs , some are on the floor , some are lying down . What is going on ? I've never seen anything like this . I've , you know , never are in chairs , some are on the floor , some are lying down . What is going on ? I've never seen anything like this . I've never been in a workshop like this . And I'm listening to the person speak , who I didn't know who she was , but everything she says resonates for me and it's almost like a this is your life or a candid camera , and I'm like looking around like you know , was this ? A setup Like this is really weird . Like you're talking to me and I'm not even supposed to be here and on the first break I go up to the person who is helping . It turns out to be Dr Elaine Aron .

Melissa Giberson 7:03

I thought so A guru of highly sensitive people and her partner in instructing was Dr Elaine Friend .

Melissa Giberson 7:12

Yep , I go up to her and I'm like what is this all about ? I just got here and she opens up her computer , she shares the slides with me and all of it . It's like angels singing , all of a sudden , like the light you know , like wizard of Oz , black and white to color . It's like all of a sudden , everything is like falling into place . You didn't even know it was out of place , right , but everything starts tumbling in . And I look at her and I go how could I not have known about this ? And she just looked at me and she says you've been too busy surviving and it made so much sense .

Melissa Giberson 7:49

You know it didn't . It didn't , but it all fell into place and that was it . I was done . I stayed , I soaked it up . I wanted to learn everything . I wanted to know everything . I was so excited . I bounced back into the room later on when my partner was still . You left and I haven't heard from you all day . You left the workshop . I'm like I forgot about that . I was so excited . But she saw how excited I was and I'm like I understand myself . I'm like look , there's a name . It was so validating , it was so validating for me and it was all accidental . I wasn't supposed to be well technically , I wasn't supposed to be well technically , I wasn't supposed to be there , but I was .

April Snow 8:31

Wow , what a profound discovery story . Game changer , game changer , and you had this visceral reaction and pulling you out of that space and then just serendipitously finding Dr Elaine Aaron's workshop . Were you at Kripalu ? Yes , I thought so . Yeah , yeah , I was at Kripalu . Yeah , magical things happen there .

Melissa Giberson 8:55

Unbelievable , absolutely unbelievable , but definitely a game changer , because all of a sudden I had language Right , right . So you know , I have all these things about me . You know , if I go to a work conference , I know that I'm going to get early and I'm going to set up my seat because I'm going to want to be on the end , I might take up the seat next to me . I mean , if it gets really crowded and nobody can sit , I'll take my stuff off . But you know , if there's available seats , I'm going to want that empty . I'm going to want to be towards the back . So if I have to get up and leave , I know these things about me , they're routine , but I never stopped to think about well , why do I do that ? Why do I not want to have lunch with everybody ? Why do ?

Melissa Giberson 9:39

I say no , why do I extend my hotel stay ? Why do I need that ? Why do I feel bad when people say you're extending your hotel stay ? Well , don't you miss your family ? I'm like , well , yeah , no , I guess I should . But you know , like and I didn't really think about it Suddenly I had language , yes , and now I was able to kind of go back over all these things I knew I did , without ever wondering why or questioning .

April Snow 10:06

So you were already doing a lot of these things before you had the context , absolutely .

Melissa Giberson 10:11

But didn't know why . Didn't know why .

April Snow 10:14

Yeah , what changes now ? Or does anything change ? Obviously , you're probably still doing those things , but has anything shifted

Discovering Personal Needs Without Understanding

April Snow 10:22

? Having the context , the language , it makes sense to me now .

Melissa Giberson 10:26

I still do those things , but I don't feel like looking around going . Am I the only one ?

April Snow 10:34

doing it .

Melissa Giberson 10:34

Oh no , no , they're here early too . Or is this odd , or I don't ? I do it because I understand why I do it now and I understand that there are people like me that do it also . And I'm not . Maybe I am the odd duck or I'm not the odd duck , but it doesn't really matter . You know it's okay , it's you know . However , somebody wants to label it . It's okay , cause it's just who I am .

Melissa Giberson 11:02

When there was a time you know like , especially if you're a kid no , nobody wants to be the odd duck , Nobody wants to be that the weird one and you kind of get that sense that you are . I always did , and until I found my HSP people and started hearing other people say things that they had the same experience , they felt odd , they felt almost like an alien . They would do these things Very validating when you think you're the only one .

April Snow 11:32

It is yeah To have community so important and to have language to put your experiences into a framework , to know oh and this is why I do these things there's a deeper understanding about yourself .

Melissa Giberson 11:44

Yes , yeah , the language is key . In my opinion , the language is key because we can know we do these things , we think about it , we don't think about it . But when you can language it , when you can , you know , kind of for those people that are interested or want to hear , or if you just have a need to say , you know , even if it's kind of like off the cuff , don't mind me , I'm highly sensitive , I kind of need to be here , make a joke about it , or somebody might be interested , and then you can say hey , by the way , I found this neat thing about myself and it's 100 other species have it and they need people like us . You guys need people like us , depending who you're talking to . Having that language is critical . At least it was for me .

April Snow 12:31

It is critical to have the context and I appreciate how you're saying you can make it lighthearted . It doesn't have to be a big issue . Oh , I happen to sit on the end . I need to sit in the back . I need some buffer time . I'm going to stay an extra night in the hotel after a conference or a training and to recharge or to have just a transitional period . That can be okay . It's different and some other people might need to run home to their kids . It's not that you don't care and love about your kids , it's more . You know , feeling overwhelmed . I'm putting words into your mouth but I assume just needing that buffer time .

Melissa Giberson 13:05

Absolutely Right , absolutely . And looking back , I know that now . So my body was intuitively doing and this is what I always found interesting my body was doing things kind of on its own . I was just sort of following along , and while I am a person who thinks about everything , there are clearly some things I didn't think about . I just sort of marched to it and I always , since making this discovery , found it interesting that my body knew what it needed and I followed along . I wasn't kicking and screaming about it . I may not have understood it , but I also wasn't really thinking about it . Now I can put it together and I've now , since making the discovery , keep looking back through a new lens , and it's interesting to revisit your own life and look at things . It's kind of like you know you're standing on a spiral staircase and you can see everything . You can see where you've been , you can kind of see where you're going , and I don't really like spiral staircases , I get dizzy . But this is the great metaphor is that you keep looking back through a different lens .

Melissa Giberson 14:13

Right Every step , yeah , and you look back and from where you are now , you know those steps are still there , those events are still there , those didn't change . But now I can understand it differently , put new meaning to it , have a different lens through which to look at it , and that's something that I do repeatedly . So it's like reading a good book over and over , or like watching a good movie over and over . I'm going to hit replay on a song . I keep looking back over my life , over those same stories , but now they have a different meaning .

April Snow 14:47

Yeah , that's the rich part of discovering you're highly sensitive . Everything has new meaning , yeah , and you're right . At every phase it's going to look a little differently . I want to go back to something you said . I just knew what I needed , and not everyone is able to listen to that internal call . So I'm curious what made it possible for you not having the context ? What allowed you to listen to your needs before you even knew that you were an HSP , if you have any sense of that ?

Melissa Giberson 15:14

Yeah , that's a great question because I can't say I did it all of the time and I'm still learning . Even though I have the language , it's still new to me . So all of this just happened just before the pandemic .

Melissa Giberson 15:28

Very recent , then this is the last five years on the newer side for me and I'm still making connections and I'm still looking back and learning about things , especially becoming overwhelmed , what overwhelms me ? So I can't tell you that I understand why . I just always wanted to sit by a door or on the edge . It was just a discomfort with . I don't want to get locked in . What if I do ?

Melissa Giberson 15:56

need to leave . I wanted to have that personal space I knew I needed . I was the one that didn't go to the large area where everybody was sitting and having lunch , Like you've just spent hours listening to workshops and people talk , and the last thing I wanted to do with no disrespect to my colleagues was have lunch and talk some more and then do another few hours . So I always I would sneak out early . I'd get my little box lunch , you know . So I didn't have to wait online and have to turn down invitations , sneak to my hotel , my room , which I intentionally asked for a low floor , so I didn't have to take an elevator all the way up . I was conserving time Like I started doing these things . That's very smart , Without actually like thinking about it just seemed to make sense to me you know , get out early , you know , get a lower floor .

Melissa Giberson 16:52

I mean like things made sense to me , but I didn't stop and turn myself inside out and understand why . It just seemed to make sense .

April Snow 16:59

Right . I mean , I've heard a lot of people on the podcast tell me they just knew something was different about them . They knew they were more of this or that and they just went along with taking care of that , even before they had the language . Sounds like you did that too . You just know I need to maximize my time . I want to be prepared . I know what I need . Did you get a lot of support in your life from family or friends to honor your needs Well before .

Melissa Giberson 17:29

Before . Yeah , you know . So at the time that I was doing those things did I get support , I guess ? I guess it was support in the way that nobody argued with me , nobody questioned , well why , except ? I do remember that one neighbor that said she did actually she did question , don't you miss your family ? And I said , of course , but I'm just taking the night to kind of process . You know it's a big conference , there's a lot of information . I just want to take , you know , a little extra time to process it all . It's not about not missing or not wanting to be with someone and but otherwise nobody questioned , except for that one person actually .

April Snow 18:11

Yeah , and it's true , it's a both end . I want to be with my family and I also need time to integrate this material before I jump off into the next thing .

Melissa Giberson 18:22

Right , and but I think I was using that . You know , not that I . There was just something about being alone in a hotel room and that was just very comforting and quiet and I hadn't thought about it then . How much I have always sought time alone . Yeah , so I knew I did , I could tell you that , but I never really made the connection until I started thinking about it afterwards all of the times , going back to when I was a kid , that I would seek out time alone , time in small spaces , and didn't understand it . But that's been a theme throughout my life and still . But now I can language it . Now you know you have to balance , you know asking and you know solitude is not always the easiest thing .

April Snow 19:17

Yeah , it's not always easy , and folks that don't need it don't understand it . Yeah , yeah . Yeah .

April Snow 19:23

That's a bit challenging that don't need it , don't understand it . Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , that's challenging . It is challenging to , because when you don't have that lived experience , that need for small , solitary spaces , it's hard to really let someone in . I always think like if I wish I could take what I'm feeling and put it in someone else so they could really understand it . It's hard to put it into words . I'm curious , as you're discovering they are helisensitive , what ? And you discover that later in life . You talk about that in your book Late Bloomer . What else did you discover later in life ?

Melissa Giberson 19:53

Well , the biggest thing I discovered I will I put them they're both about the same discovering I'm HSP , which came afterwards , it was just as big for me in my life as discovering that I have a same-sex attraction .

Melissa Giberson 20:09

That came later in life as well , and that's the premise of the book that I wrote of these reactions and things that were out of character which all lead up to my discovering that I'm highly sensitive . So all of that then makes sense to me , because at the time , you know people would be like didn't you see this coming ? Or how could you not have known ? Or and my reactions to some people seemed bigger than you know . I mean , you know people want to either judge , criticize or qualify what things should be as opposed to . You know , it is what it is for everybody and everybody's experience , whatever you bring to that table , that experience is it . And , and then again , it made sense later

Navigating Life Changes and Self-Discovery

Melissa Giberson 21:02

. So I found out when I was 44 , I made this discovery that and I was married to a man- you know , we had the whole house in the suburbs , the two kids .

Melissa Giberson 21:14

You know , this is the life that I was preparing for my whole life and when I was 44 , I asked myself the question for the first time ever and people find that hard to believe . I had never asked a question before and I asked if I was gay , asked myself .

Melissa Giberson 21:33

And then I go through this whole journey of trying to answer the question and then come to terms with the answer because the impact , the impact on the people that I love , that my life was now changing if I go with this , if I go in this direction . But what would it look like if I didn't Right ? That's a good question too .

April Snow 21:57

So as a highly sensitive person .

Melissa Giberson 22:00

I look at everything . I use the Rubik's cube . I'm constantly turning and twisting and looking at everything and I had to weigh that . You know , go this direction . What does that look like ? Don't do anything . What does that look like ?

April Snow 22:17

There's some big questions to ask yourself , especially when the people that you love the most your kids , your husband at the time and this is what stops a lot of HSPs from listening to that inner calling , that intuition , that dream , that yearning , however you want to call it because they're worried about the impact on others . So how did you get through that to listen to yourself ?

Melissa Giberson 22:45

Yeah , you know the hard part is , at the same time this is happening , you're having this existential crisis , which is never a good time for that . But you know , at the time when you've got a husband , a job , a career , kids and important milestones coming up in their lives , you can't hit pause . So you're doing talk about overwhelm . You're doing everything . You're doing a deep dive inside of yourself and you still need to show up somehow , be present for your patients , for your family , for life . Bills still have to get paid , everything has to get done .

Melissa Giberson 23:19

And so I kept it to myself for as long as I could , while I went and got help to help me figure it out and while I got to those answers . And what pushed me over at the end was it was both my kids and also when I realized I wasn't able to show up for my husband in the way that he deserved . So I could keep all this under wraps , but it's going to ooze out . There's still going to be something there , and that wasn't fair to anybody , and I knew that . I wanted to be authentic , not just for myself , but I wanted to model that for my kids , and I always said if my kids either of them came to me and said hey , mom , you know , can we talk ? I've got this big thing . What would I say to them ? And I knew , without hesitation , I would tell them you have to be true to yourself , because it's going to come back to you later . And you have to be true . And I didn't want to be a hypocrite , I didn't want to not model that .

Melissa Giberson 24:28

And I just hoped that things would fall into place later . I knew there would be some fallout , but I just , you know , hoped that things would fall into place as things went along .

April Snow 24:39

Yeah , it makes sense to be that model for them . This is how we live and the importance of authenticity and not denying yourself , because you're right , I think a lot of times we assume that , whether it's setting a boundary or a bigger choice around uprooting your life , that it's better to just stick with the status quo . But really you're right , that lack of authenticity it hurts the other people . Yeah , right , and by you honoring yourself , you actually are treating them with kindness .

Melissa Giberson 25:12

Right , Because otherwise everything is for show . But you can't unknow what you know . And so you can't put it back in the box . You can't .

Melissa Giberson 25:21

You write the toothpaste once it's out of the tube , that's it , that's right and not put that back in and it gets messy and it is messy and my story is messy and I left a lot of the mess in intentionally . I didn't want to sugarcoat it , because I've read other stories , I've heard other stories and this is a messy journey , but journeys can be messy and this is a messy journey , but journeys can be messy and life is unpredictable . It's , you know , it's meant to be , it's supposed to be and we're supposed to adjust as we go along , and so I left the mess in for that reason because I didn't want to sugarcoat and I didn't want to give anybody that was going through this journey or a similar journey of re-evaluating themselves or their lives .

Melissa Giberson 26:03

I didn't want them to be misled or think that it was so easy for her . Why am I struggling ? So I wanted them to see that there was struggle and there were obstacles , because that's reality , that's life .

April Snow 26:18

Exactly , that's the truth , and the mess doesn't have to be a negative , like you're saying . It's just part of the process , right ?

Melissa Giberson 26:38

Don't let it deter you . I say you know it's hard when you know what you know and you make a decision , maybe for somebody else , and it's hard making a change that's going to impact . Choose your heart . You know neither one is going to be easy . You get to choose your heart , though , and hopefully , at the end of whatever it is that you choose , things will smooth over and you'll land somewhere . That's the hope , and so I infuse a lot of that in the book that there's a lot of grief .

Melissa Giberson 27:12

You can't go through change without grieving . Grieving for what you thought you were going to , the life you thought you were going to have , grieving how , the obstacles , what comes along , grieving the impact on other people . But then there's also the hope , and so I think the two of them , you know they travel together a lot and at least for me it did . For as much grief as I had , I also held on to hope . I had to .

April Snow 27:39

How did you work with the grief ? If you could give us a little snapshot .

Melissa Giberson 27:50

You know , it's funny because it took a while before I realized that that's what I was carrying , that that's what I was feeling . And the other thing I had put in the book was when I had said life is still going on around you . So things happen . I lost my job . My now ex-husband shifted where we started out very amicable , you know . He took a different direction and people get sick and people died , and that's an understandable grief . So it wasn't until I knew when some of these things happened , when somebody that I cared for died , for example , and I'm like , okay , well , that's a socially condoned grief .

Melissa Giberson 28:31

You're going to feel sad . You're expected to and I went in to take care of myself that I realized there was a lot more grief . I was grieving for a lot , not just this one person , and it took a while , because some of these things are invisible yeah , they really are and we do .

April Snow 28:49

We put grief in a box where we think we can only grieve if we've lost a particular person . But you're right , grief shows up in a lot of different ways losing part of self , losing the life you thought you were going to have . I've seen a lot of my sensitive clients go through this grief . And also when you're coming out , you know , when you realize your sexuality is different than you thought it was , especially after 44 years , that's pretty profound grief that comes in and lots of change which , hsps , we can struggle with . Right , and you went through some pretty catastrophic changes Right .

Melissa Giberson 29:25

So nobody really likes or embraces change , but it is part of life . And you know we tend to we as in HSPs , but you know for sure myself transition slowly , but life is moving at this pace and when there's other people involved you know there's you can't stop it , you can't hit pause , and so you're going with it and just you know things are accumulating . So one of the things that I did was I sought that time alone , just to try to let things land a little bit . I reached out for help , I started writing .

Melissa Giberson 30:04

I started trying to literally get it out of my body and putting it on a paper something , because that also helped me process and help me make sense of things . So it was just a way of kind of extracting it , even if it was , you know , just to look at it visually . So that helped .

April Snow 30:25

It does . I think HSPs don't realize the benefit , the value of processing and that for a lot of us that is writing . It could also be , you know , talking things through , creating other things with your hands . But writing for me too is so profound , so much gets moved through in that At the time were you writing just for yourself , or were you thinking I'm going to write a book ?

Melissa Giberson 30:46

we would share our stories . You know people would say , oh , you should write a book . You know you should write a book , and I think it's just a common thing , but I never actually gave serious thought to it . And but what happened in the during the pandemic , when I had time , I uncovered some of those writings and I'm like , oh well , you know , I remember what that felt like . I'm glad .

Melissa Giberson 31:21

I wrote this down or things like that , and I decided to continue to write and to organize my thoughts and to process it now that things had slowed down a little bit in my world and it became a book .

Melissa Giberson 31:37

I was working with an editor who said this is shaping up into a book . I said , oh , now what ? And one of my motivations was because it's a very personal story . But one of my motivations was when I was confused , when I had first asked the question of myself , I went looking for help whether it was from a person , a therapist , online books and it was challenging to find that information . So I wanted to offer something to somebody else that might be going through it . If they were doing a random search , if they needed to hear my story , if my story resonates in some way , I wanted to be able to put something out there in the hands of somebody who was like me at some point and just needed something , some validation , some resource , whether it's in my story or people have reached out to me , which I welcome to ask me them to ask me it's whether or not it ?

April Snow 32:45

I mean it's beautiful to have that story representative coming out later in life making the brave choice to change your life in such a profound way , but then I think it's for me it's relatable on other levels to whether you're highly sensitive or whether there's something big that you shifted , because , a sense of it , we're often late bloomers in lots of different ways , whether that's finding a career , a relationship , yourself , spirituality . There's so many layers there that we often come to later in life and just being able to say that's okay , right , it's okay to ask yourself the question and then listen to the answer and go through the mess . I'm curious what brought you a little bit of hope during those times of grief and discovery and messiness ?

Melissa Giberson 33:30

So my hope was just you know , some people would say I was stubborn . I'd say I was hopeful . I had a dream for a certain kind of life for my kids , and that's what I wanted and that's what I had hoped for , and that's what I was working on .

Navigating Life Changes With Grace

Melissa Giberson 33:46

And discovering that you're gay when you're 40 , you know , 44 years old doesn't work with that dream . So you have to adjust a little bit . So I said , okay , so this isn't going to be what I thought it was going to be . What more ? What can I do ?

Melissa Giberson 34:04

Well , I can have a great relationship with my ex and we can model something for my kids , for our kids . You know we can be respectful , we can communicate , we can show them , in , you know , 3d , full color , that this can be okay . And you know things didn't work that way at that time . So you shift again and you model something else . But so I was , I holding on to what I really wanted and making subtle adjustments along the way . And in the holding on , that's where the hope was was hoping that we can land somewhere . And at the end of the day , it was always about the kids and I had to hold on to hope because it was them that I was holding on to it , for it was all about them . So I couldn't just give up , because it felt like I'd be giving up on them .

April Snow 34:59

Yeah , you can still get to the same destination being good role model , support rock for your kids . It's just going to look differently along the way . But yeah , that permission , it's okay to readjust to make a change .

Melissa Giberson 35:13

Right and it's again . It was messy . If I can go back and do it differently with what I know now people ask me that of course you know , of course but , all you can do is what you can do with the time . That's right , and then make sense of it later and continue to own it , model it and continue to hope . Hope that things still circle . It may not have been how you wanted it or when you wanted it , but things do land . Things have a tendency to land .

Melissa Giberson 35:43

This I've learned along the way that they do land .

April Snow 35:47

I love that . So what does life look like now after the mess ?

Melissa Giberson 35:53

Life looks interesting . It really does . My kids are older than they are . They have landed in good places and I'm so grateful for that . I'm grateful for their love and their support and how they show up in the world for others , for each , each other . For me , that sends a message to me , and so that's really good . And I'm in a relationship with a woman who is committed to continuing to grow . She has long since forgiven me for walking out of that classroom at Kripalu , fortunately , and we've learned an awful lot about you know being highly sensitive and what that means .

Melissa Giberson 36:49

And I appreciate that it's now a learning curve for her . You know so a new language . You know that she also . You know it's invisible , so it's not always easy and but I appreciate , and I'm grateful for her partnership and her support , that she wants to show up and she wants to understand and so we have the kids .

Melissa Giberson 37:14

we have a little place in Provincetown which for me , as a highly sensitive introvert , is my soul place and I've learned so much about myself in this small little town , village , if you will that's surrounded by nature , surrounded by history , surrounded by art that you know . It's like where have you been all my life ? So it's just been an amazing journey , because each piece of it , I uncover a little bit more about myself .

April Snow 37:51

Yeah yeah , you seem really settled into who you are .

Melissa Giberson 37:54

Well , it's still . You know , it ebbs and flows . It ebbs and flows , yeah . Because you know you keep looking back at that spiral staircase and things continue to make sense . And or you try to have it make sense and those things that you know about yourself . Now you know when I'm in a writing class and you know a writing group and they go okay , let's break off into groups . I'm still like , yeah , you know , but I understand it now you know , I understand more than I did then .

Melissa Giberson 38:25

So that's the good thing is , things are still happening , but I can language it , I can understand it and I think the key is I give myself grace . Yeah . I think that's important .

April Snow 38:40

Yeah , I can tell there's a lot of acceptance of what your needs are and honoring your sensitivity . That makes a big difference .

Melissa Giberson 38:47

Yes , and I've become an advocate , you know , for those people . You know , I think we get a really bad rap . Well , introverts get a bad rap , a lot of people who don't know about highly sensitive but the word sensitivity , you know now that I could pay attention . I'm tuned in In Western society . Oh my , do we get a bad rap . And I want to represent .

Melissa Giberson 39:10

And so it's a coming out of you know , in a way , and so I will come out and people have reached back to me . People have reached out to me because I write about it in essays or in the book and they say me too . That's me too . People want to connect and I appreciate that you have to know where your people are .

April Snow 39:33

It's true , you really do , and I've talked about this with a few other HSQs Brian Torres used this term HSQ highly sensitive queers which I love that there is some parallels between coming out as LGBTQ plus or coming out as a highly sensitive person , because it's not obvious to people or it's not something that you're always putting out right into the forefront because of those stigmas , that discrimination . But yeah , you are definitely modeling it , which I appreciate so much .

Melissa Giberson 40:05

But they all . You know it's true that you say that you know for somebody like me , both of these things can be invisible . Yeah , you're constantly making that choice to come out when somebody , you know , somebody , says , if I say I'm going away somewhere and someone says , oh well , you know , will your husband pack his own bag , and I have to make that choice right then . And there to come . And I don't really know this person well or what their reaction is in another . You know it might be coming out as an introvert , it might be coming out as highly sensitive , but it's always . You know , you're always coming out and you're always having to make that choice , do I , don't I ? How much what's at stake is it worth it .

Melissa Giberson 40:50

So it doesn't stop . It's an ongoing process .

April Snow 40:54

Yeah , it really is Every day , every interaction , like , well , how much do I disclose , how much of the energy disclose and how safe is it ? Right , yeah , constant choice .

Melissa Giberson 41:07

Yes , and are you going to expend that energy ? Are they going to understand ? Are they going to care ? Are you Because we do have to be protective and this I've learned protective of our energy , and I recognize that now more . And if you're going to invest , you know , and let somebody in , do they really want to be let in ? You know ? So , yeah , that's true too . Yeah , so you have to weigh the pros and cons . Sometimes it's just practice , sometimes you've educated someone and they've appreciated it , and sometimes people go yeah , me too and that's when it really feels good .

April Snow 41:42

Yes , that's the best outcome when you get to connect with another person who's also sensitive or is also queer , it's like , oh yes , I'm not alone , right , yeah , right . It's like , oh yes , I'm not alone , right , yeah , right . Is there a message you could leave folks with listeners who are highly sensitive , who are having this urge to make a change later in life . Maybe there's an internal calling or an intuition of some sort . What message could you leave them with ?

Melissa Giberson 42:10

Do it , but do it with grace and patience and forgiveness of yourself . It's not about being perfect . It is a process , but if your body is talking to you , it's talking to you for a reason , and so tune in , listen . It's not going to be a drive-through , it's going to be a slow cooker . So you have to be patient and you have to give yourself grace and remember that there are people around you that are impacted by the choices you make , and we spend a lot of time thinking so . When we get to that point of sharing someone's hearing something for the first time and that's true with anything , it's true with sexuality Nobody wakes up in the morning and goes hey , I'm going to announce , you know , to the world .

Melissa Giberson 43:01

It usually takes time and we have to be patient with people they need to process . It's the same thing if you're telling somebody listen , I'm a highly sensitive person . This is what it means . It means , you know being on time is important to me or having time alone is important to me Transitions you know I'm going to need a little buffer of time . You know I usually use those bowling bumpers . You know like I need a little bumper , I need a little bumper time here and and thank them . You know I appreciate your patience , I appreciate your understanding , but have that with yourself too . You know I appreciate your patience , I appreciate your understanding , but have that with yourself too yeah .

Melissa Giberson 43:37

You know . So there is an ebb and flow and it's not always smooth , but you get there , yeah , you do Give yourself grace , but do it .

April Snow 43:46

And I appreciate that reminder that we spent a lot of time processing and by the time we say something out loud , we could have spent months , even years , integrating something , but it would be a new piece of information for the person on the other end and that's important to remember . Give them time also . Yeah , I love that Right , right .

Melissa Giberson 44:07

A lot of times when we get there , though , it's like , okay , I'm ready , let's go , let's go , let's go . That's not fair to somebody else . And then we're kind of taken back by , maybe , their reaction . They may need time to process . It is information for them and we , you know we have to build that in as well . We do .

Melissa Giberson 44:27

It's good for us to do that , because otherwise we can get overwhelmed with their response or their reaction if we're not expecting it . That's true , it's a little self-serving , but the more we can be prepared it's good for everybody involved .

April Snow 44:41

It is . I appreciate that reminder . Yeah , I just want to thank you so much for this conversation . Hearing your coming out story as a sensitive person has been my favorite story I've ever heard . It's just so magical , beautiful . You listen to that that calling , and it happened at Kripalu , which is literally my favorite place on earth oh , fantastic so it feels extra special and just how it happened .

April Snow 45:05

And then you and your partner were able to work through that moment together and she was able to meet you . There is really beautiful , so I'll make sure I share your book so folks can pick that up .

Melissa Giberson 45:15

Thank you . Yeah , of course , it was just released on audio . So it's now available as an audio book and I was able to go in and do some editing , which made me really happy , because , as someone that thinks a lot , you know you go back and it's like , oh , I wouldn't do that . Now , you know opportunity to go back . So the audio book is out , which I'm very happy about .

April Snow 45:40

Because it's exciting , slightly edited . Yeah , I love that . Yeah , having that chance to go back and kind of put some final touches on something , especially your own story , is so important .

Melissa Giberson 45:46

Well , that's that's the you know the magic of it , like in life , like I said , if I can go back , we don't get to go back . Right , I want opportunity to go back , Exactly , and , you know , fool around with it just a little bit , you know , just take a light scalpel to it , not a hatchet .

April Snow 46:04

Yeah , right Now that you're a little further up that spiral staircase .

Melissa Giberson 46:07

Exactly how nice if we can go back in our life and take scalpels to other things . That's right . For but , we can't .

April Snow 46:15

For folks that are not familiar with the book , could you share a little bit more about ? I know we talked about it a bit , but tell folks a little bit more about it .

Melissa Giberson 46:27

So it opens up with my asking that question about am I gay , having never asked the question before , and it's really an interesting look into what seems very obvious . You know , call it whatever you want disassociation . Just you know the person in that situation doesn't know that , but it's an interesting look at how powerful the mind is and how protective the body is , that some things , looking back , can be so obvious except to you . Your body is working really hard to keep you in a place that you've worked really hard to get to , to be in , and you know there's other people . So it's this challenge , it's , you know what are you willing to me ? That it resonated with them having nothing to do with sexuality , but because everyone's on some kind of journey , everybody has been in a place where they have to look at themselves and go who am I ? What am I going to do with this ? What's my life going to look like ?

Melissa Giberson 47:52

So , people that have had addiction issues , or just people that have had one string of bad things happening to them . Career they seem to have . The book seems to speak to them . There's something about being resilient and surviving and plowing through even though you keep getting knocked down or you're questioning , or the messiness of it . So , yeah , I like when the story resonates with different people for different reasons .

April Snow 48:23

It's such a universal , relatable human story . Yeah , I think so , yeah . I agree .

April Snow 48:29

Yes , thank you so much . Thank you so much . Thanks so much for joining me and Melissa for today's conversation . What I hope you'll take away is that it's never too late to find yourself and that being a late bloomer which many HSPs are could actually be a blessing in disguise . Don't forget to check out Melissa's memoir , late Bloomer , for an inspiring story about coming out and finding yourself later in life in more ways than one . If you enjoyed this episode , subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations . Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSP resources . You can sign up for my email . Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated for behind the scenes content and more hsp resources . You can sign up for my email list or follow sensitive strengths on instagram , tiktok and youtube . Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode . Thanks for listening .