Brianna Pastor: 0:00

Whenever I hear the term like making space, I'm like, well, what really does that mean for one person and maybe this, and another person, it's something else? But personally, when I'm making space for anything, especially something so innate as me, that usually means I have to make less space for something else.

April Snow: 0:29

Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author April Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Brianna Pastor about the joy and messiness of being a deeply feeling human in an often harsh world, learning to allow your emotions to take up space, and the cost of always having to be strong and resilient as an HSP or empath. Brianna is a queer writer, empath, advocate, and author of the poetry collections Good Grief and Bellyache. Dedicated to helping others recognize their worth regardless of circumstances, she centers her poetry around mental health, childhood trauma, and what it means to heal, with sensitivity and love at the root of all things. For more HSP resources and to see behind the scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths, or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestories.com. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in the video.

Brianna Pastor: 2:18

Oh, I'm very excited.

April Snow: 2:20

I've been looking forward to talking with you for a while. Same, same. I know we've connected online and we have the same publisher, and you have a new book out, Belly Ache, which I'm excited to share with folks. But before we get into that, I'm wondering if you could share with listeners what your HSP discovery story is, either how or when you realize that you're highly sensitive.

Brianna Pastor: 2:42

You know, it's so hard to actually pinpoint when I realized that it was exactly like being highly sensitive or empath. But I always knew, since I could think, that something was, I don't want to say off, but something was very different about me. And I I have like, you know, trauma has caused me to lose a lot of my childhood memories, but I have very distinct memories being like a I remember being a baby, like in a crib, and I would stare into space with like all these emotions I didn't know what to do with, and like thoughts, like real thoughts as a baby that I couldn't vocalize. And then I would just like my grandmother would tell me I would just burst into tears, and it was like inconsolable for hours. And I grew up thinking this is something that's wrong with me. Like this is the thing that makes me defective that everybody can see. And I didn't realize what it was. I thought, no, I have a problem. It feels like a problem, doesn't it? It does, especially if you grow up surrounded by people who are not highly sensitive or have a tendency to reject emotion altogether. Right. Then you're like, oh, okay, this is bad. This is not okay for me to be, you know.

April Snow: 4:18

But you're going the completely opposite direction with so many emotions. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 4:24

And you like it's like, what do you do with that at that point when you can't let any of that out? But it's like your whole being is yeah, well, why am I feeling this and that? And I started researching on it once the internet started becoming a thing. Gosh, remember a time when that wasn't even I do, yeah. So weird to say that. I'm old. I started realizing, oh, I can like search things. And I would look up things like, why am I feeling all these emotions more than other people? And I would came across like different terms at that time. I don't think empath or highly sensitive person was a thing at that point.

April Snow: 5:10

Yeah, probably not.

Brianna Pastor: 5:11

Yeah, and I the closest thing that I had found was indigo children. Yep. And I was like, that's me. Yeah. Because I always had this feeling of like I don't belong here. Like I was put here to feel everything and to help other people feel things, and then I'm gonna leave. Yeah, like a conduit. Yeah. And I just resonated with that like so much. I was like, that's that's me.

April Snow: 5:41

Yeah. And yeah. Well, it gives purpose, right? If you can step into I'm feeling this intensely, and it's for a reason. For me, that makes it it makes it more bearable to be in this kind of intense inner landscape. Was that part of it for you? Like, did it help soften the experience at all or make it tolerable at some level? I know it's still hard when you're living in a very non-HSP world.

Brianna Pastor: 6:08

Right. I think I I started rejecting it myself. And because I mean, you'll know, like it's hard to you can try and try and try your hardest to push it down and reject, and and at some point it is gonna tip over. Fortunately for me, it tipped over into unhealthy coping mechanisms at that point. But I don't think it ever really softened for me until I left the environment I was in.

April Snow: 6:44

Yeah. I I relate to that so much. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 6:47

Yeah. Uh until I was able to leave and really get an idea of who I was and what I was feeling and why, and not have the pressure of having to hide it anymore. Then I started, even though it was difficult, then I started being like, actually, this is good.

April Snow: 7:09

Yeah. You know, yeah, when you're in the storm and whatever that storm is, you can't unfurl safely. Right. Someone's gonna chop bits of you off, right? You have to get to safety, and then with perspective, you can start to reclaim or heal or accept.

Brianna Pastor: 7:28

It's rough too, you know. Like if you compare, I like your analogy, like the storm. Because if you're in any kind of storm afterwards, you're so overwhelmed because it's like, wow, look what the storm did, but it feels like you step outside and everything's quiet, and there's this like sad kind of relief. Then, but then you get to like rebuild.

April Snow: 7:50

Yeah, you know, it's exactly like that, isn't it? Like the sad relief and then the joyful rebirth.

Brianna Pastor: 7:57

Exactly. I love that. Yes, rebirth. I feel like I've had that over and over and over and over and over again. Like, I feel like my whole life is just like a constant rebirth. Absolutely. Sit in with that.

April Snow: 8:14

Yeah, you're speaking to, I think what I've heard from myself and so many HSPs, which is like feeling so different and having this kind of very intense, busy, intricate inner world, but needing to shove it down or hide it away because other people around you don't understand, they don't accept it, they don't relate to it, they think there's something wrong with it. And it can take years of unlearning those messages. Yep. And reclaiming. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 8:45

And it's so layered too. Like, I mean, for me personally, and maybe for other fellow queer people, if that's not something you're immediately aware of, or if you're not educated about what that even is at a younger age, that adds a whole other layer to this feeling. Cause you're like, well, what is this new thing that I wasn't conditioned to absorb?

April Snow: 9:15

Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 9:16

And it's just such a multi-layered, you know, for everybody, it's different, but it's not something you solve. It's something you just keep unfolding over the course of your life.

April Snow: 9:27

Yeah, because your sensitivity, it's one layer, but there can be other layers that can be difficult to integrate, to accept, that also maybe have some stigma, whether you're an HSQ, a highly sensitive queer, whether you're coming from any marginalized group, you're a person of color. There can be these layers, like, how do I how do I pick what battle to fight? Right? It's like, how do I make sense of all these layers of difference?

Brianna Pastor: 9:52

And all of them feel of equal importance as well. Absolutely. So it's like you're trying to fight, like, no, I need to do all of these at the same time. And I can't let this one go because it's just as important as this one. And then you're exhausted. It's like a vicious cycle.

April Snow: 10:08

Exactly. Exactly. It's like you're kind of like juggling balls in there.

Brianna Pastor: 10:12

Yep, yep.

April Snow: 10:14

Yes.

Brianna Pastor: 10:16

Well, it's like, all right, I'm just gonna let all the balls fall.

April Snow: 10:20

Yeah, sometimes you have to, yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 10:22

I mean, that's I feel like that's the only way sometimes because you're you just continuously overwhelm yourself, juggling, juggling all the balls. Yes, and at some point you have to be like, you know what? Okay, yeah, that's it.

April Snow: 10:39

I'm taking a break. Yeah, we were just talking about this before we started about like just being in our cocoons and in our beds, and sometimes you just need to retreat to bed. Forget the balls even exist for a moment as much as you can.

Brianna Pastor: 10:54

That is has always been my number one safe space.

April Snow: 11:00

Same.

Brianna Pastor: 11:01

Sometimes to my own detriment as a teenager and young adult.

April Snow: 11:06

Yep.

Brianna Pastor: 11:07

I remember there was a year I spent in bed. I almost never left it, you know.

April Snow: 11:13

Such a place of solace and safety for people, and sometimes the only place.

Brianna Pastor: 11:17

Yep.

April Snow: 11:18

Yeah. I remember 14, 15 around that time, I spent most of my time in bed, also, like during the day, during the night. It was like I need to retreat from all that's happening. And same with the pandemic and other personal waves. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 11:34

That was me existing in my bed. Nobody bothering. It was like, wow. Yeah, this is what silence, like a real true silence. Like, I know nobody's gonna text me and ask me to hang out, or exactly. I know that the only place I should probably go is the grocery store. Right. So I'll get in and I'll get out, and then no one's bothering me. That's it. And back to home base. Exactly. And I wish it I try really hard to cultivate a similar slowness or like easiness in my day to today life now. So I, you know, as much as COVID was horrific and tragic, I try to incorporate some of the things I learned then because I'm like, well, that worked for me. How can I bring that and learn from that?

April Snow: 12:33

Absolutely. I think in any tragedy, we have to take away the lessons. Absolutely. So, Bray, your new collection of poetry, Bellache, it was inspired by a poem in your first book, Good Grief. And I want to read that poem. Sure. Because it really, it just really hit me in such a visceral way. And this is the cover for anyone who's watching the video. So beautiful. Thank you. You say, I don't want to grow a thick skin. I want my skin to stay as thin as it was made and everything outside of that to be softer. This feels like the quintessential HSB experience, right? Where we're feeling that pressure to change instead of having the world shift and be more accepting and understanding and welcoming to the 30% of people that are highly sensitive.

Brianna Pastor: 13:23

Right.

April Snow: 13:24

So I'm wondering if you could speak to, you know, how do you navigate the world as someone with a thin skin and a world that's not really changing?

Brianna Pastor: 13:32

Right. Well, you know, it's so funny because I wrote this, I put it in good grief, and the response to it really surprised me. I mean, of course, you'll have people who don't resonate who are like, that's completely unrealistic, that's selfish, that's wishful thinking. And it's like, yeah, it is, it is wishful thinking because look how many people resonated with that. I mean, it truly did inspire me to, I had a whole other book planned. And I was like, no, I feel like I feel like I really need to carry that same feeling, especially right now, uh, in the world where everybody's feeling to the max. Even people that aren't highly sensitive are feeling a lot. And I just felt like it was important. But I think that, you know, growing up, I was always told, fuck up, and we don't have time to be sad. You know, you gotta keep going. And there is some helpfulness to that if you're the type of person who thrives on tough love and such, but we are not, you know, that's something I had to grapple my mother and I's relationship with is like she's a very tough love kind of cookie. And growing up, I'd have to remind her that is not me, that's not going to work with me. And she had to pivot and relearn how to be nurturing in those moments and learn what I needed in those moments. And in this world, I remember as a kid was already harsh, and it's just gotten progressively worse as much as we love to believe and have taken steps forward. There's still a lot of hate and harm going on. We've gone backwards a lot, right? And to be honest, I feel like, you know, my skin is going to stay, like I said, as thin as it was made. That's just always I'm 33 now. I've gotten to the point where I'm like, I'm not really changing, you know, I can grow and evolve, but this is just who I am. And it comes with a lot of you have to accept so much about yourself that many people, most people are not going to understand.

April Snow: 16:05

No, they're not.

Brianna Pastor: 16:06

And it's a lot of grief and a lot of letdown and a lot of sadness, but also it's a lot of like just being able to see the bigger picture of everything, yeah, in a way that no one else, I mean not no one else, but most people can't even comprehend that. They can't. It's like a gift. And once I realized I was able to not only feel the emotions of other people and sense those things, but physically sense like being like a physical empath as well. I'm like, what is that feeling? Yeah, that I'm feeling. Like, I was like, am I psychic? You know, like am I clairvoyant? What is that? Yeah, it's just this constant gift that you're building on. And once you start seeing it like that, I think it makes it you don't tolerate anyone around you not also valuing that.

April Snow: 17:13

Well, when you see it as a gift, at least for me, I'm more inclined to protect it. To and I I love that you had the awareness as a child to say to your mother, this doesn't work for me. Right. Even in the doubts and the turning inward, there was a little nugget of awareness and perseverance to say, right, I need something different, I'm different. And I just I love seeing those glimpses because you're like you're saying, this is who you are, it's not changing, it's how you're made. And there is such a purpose for it. If we can step into that and not fight ourselves.

Brianna Pastor: 17:55

Right. I mean, there were instances, like I said, I can't remember a lot of my childhood, but I do remember very specific odd things that stick with me, you know, even I mean, 33 years later. And I'll say to my mother, like, well, you remember when this happened, like this really hurt? And she's like, You were a baby. How do you remember that? Right. Like, I don't even I just for remembered that once you told me. How do you even, you know, recall? And I'm like, because it sticks in you.

April Snow: 18:28

Exactly. It's like a very deep imprint.

Brianna Pastor: 18:31

Yes, yeah, all of it, all of it, all of it.

April Snow: 18:35

I want to share another passage. This was from page 102. Oh, we're getting a little bit deeper in. Okay. Okay. Oh, yes. I didn't believe that there was room on this earth for my entire range of emotions until I started making space for them. That really stood out to me. Because it feels like a, and I want to hear you what your perspective is, but for me, it was like, oh yeah, I get to make space for these emotions. I don't have to make them smaller, I don't have to make them go away. I can welcome them in and create room for them. So yeah, I just want to hear from your perspective about that, like what your process of making space was or what you meant by these words.

Brianna Pastor: 19:17

Right. I'm really glad you're asking this because whenever I hear the term like making space, I'm like, well, what really does that mean? Right. It can be so many things. Right. Like for one person it may be this, and another person it's something else. But personally, when I'm making space for anything, especially something so innate as me, yeah, that usually means I have to make less space for something else. So, in order, I have a limited capacity, like as much capacity as we have for feeling, we have a limited capacity for input. If that's how I want to word it. That's how I would say it. Yeah. Yeah. Creating and making space for me to allow myself to feel and just be a person with all of these feelings meant that I had to walk away from people, places, things that didn't allow me to be that way. From a young age, you know, there was a point in time where I was homeless and had to be on my own for a while as a young teenager. And as hard as that was, it gave me, I'm not telling anybody to just go be homeless, but it gave me perspective on I'm out in the world, no one's telling me what I can and can't be and what's wrong with me and how to fix it. And I'm just being right now. And the more I did that, the more I realized I couldn't have anyone around me that had an issue with that. So me making space for myself meant making less space for everyone else.

April Snow: 21:14

Yeah, exactly. And this is such an important lesson. I think we often will just pile more and more on. And yeah, I can only imagine that being without a home, that's obviously not a comfortable situation. It can be really scary, it can be traumatizing. And I at the same time, if we're finding the lesson and we're finding the purpose in that, it's like, no, this is a chance to get perspective and rebuild as you start to come out of it and realize this is what I need. Right. I think we're so good at that as HSPs. That's why we have so many intricate thoughts and we're wired to slow down and look at all those thoughts. It's like, yeah, what's the lesson? What can I take from this so I don't get here again or so I don't get hurt again?

Brianna Pastor: 21:59

Right.

April Snow: 22:00

Least in this context.

Brianna Pastor: 22:01

Something I learned pretty recently from that sentiment. I wrote about it last week, actually, is like, why do we always need to find the like is there always a breakthrough moment? Right. Like with everything we're feeling, we tend to be like, well, why am I feeling this? And what am I going to take away from this and this and that? And to the point where we're like, all right, let me just feel whatever this is right now, and not jump the gun and be like, okay, but why? Just feel it. Yes, yes. And it's so hard to do.

April Snow: 22:38

So hard to do. And we want answers. We want answers. And I wonder if, as you were talking, like, is that tied into some pressure to be productive with our feelings or to instead of just being in them and letting them happen?

Brianna Pastor: 22:53

Right.

April Snow: 22:53

I wonder.

Brianna Pastor: 22:54

I feel like yes. I mean, other than the societal expectations to constantly be productive, to have worth and our own whatever we are conditioned to think about, you know, having to participate in life in a certain way, or just the people's like immediate rejection of emotion in general. Like most people are very uncomfortable with feeling at all. And yes, you kind of absorb that to a degree.

April Snow: 23:28

Oh, it's all around.

Brianna Pastor: 23:31

Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. It's yep. I even catch myself saying to myself sometimes, like, why am I sad? Come on, buck up. And I'm like, no.

April Snow: 23:40

Yeah. Stop that. No, let's just be in the sadness. Yeah. Right. And because the more you can feel it and let it go, the lighter it becomes. And then you can just let the emotion through without even needing to make sense of it, without putting words to it, even. It can be purely physical, visceral, somatic. And then yeah, let it go. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 24:04

I can actually feel now a buildup in my body when I'm not allowing myself to just feel it or release it. It's like that feeling you get before you get sick. Like, oh, I'm starting to come down with something.

April Snow: 24:21

Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 24:21

It's like this, oh moment. I think my chest is getting like a little, like maybe I'm getting like a cold or something. And but it's like this buildup of like you better release some sort of emotion now, or else you're gonna get sick.

April Snow: 24:38

Yeah, your body is telling you, especially when you're tuned into those sensations, right? You can catch it before it turns into illness or burnout or being out of control with your emotions where they are owning you. Right. Yeah. So I'm curious, Brie, how do you release these emotions when you notice that little tickle or that little sensation of buildup? Is do you have a favorite way to get the emotions out of your system?

Brianna Pastor: 25:05

I have a few. Probably a little like unconventional.

April Snow: 25:11

Those are the best kinds.

Brianna Pastor: 25:12

My favorite kind, and I have a love-hate relationship with crying. Um, but that is my like number one way is to just sob. You know, like I can't schedule it. I can't, as I've gotten older, it's harder for me to cry, actually. So I have to really get myself into like I'll have to watch a really, really sad movie or something low-key triggering for me emotionally to really get myself to cry. But a lot of my feelings in this time of my life are anger and rage and just, you know, don't know what to do, and you feel helpless, and how do I make this better? And I have to combat that with movement in some capacity. If I lay still, I feel worse. So a lot of my mechanisms for releasing that energy is dancing. Yeah, yeah. That's my favorite way. I am by no means great at it, and I don't do it in front of anybody, but just put like I love RB music so much, and I'll put that on and I'll just, you know, around the house. And I just need to like no one's here, no one can see me. I just need to move my body in some capacity, even if I look ridiculous, if I feel ridiculous, I don't care. I just need like I'll be doing the Carlton in my living room sometimes, and I think that's what it's called. Um and then I'm like, ah, how are you sad after that? You know, it just releases like all these different emotions, and then that's really been my main way of releasing everything as of the last couple years.

April Snow: 27:13

Well, it's for me, it's also all about movement because we have all these built-up stress hormones and like crying is great for releasing those. Right. And also, there's something kind of energetic about emotions. I don't know the science behind that in particular, but there is something very cathartic about just moving your body, being purely in the present and not getting swirled up in the thoughts. I feel like, yeah, dance was my like my first form of spirituality as like a young, well, a late teenager, I would say. Just naturally gravitated toward, even when I was still afraid of my emotions. Right. That was a like a sidestep the way to get them out.

Brianna Pastor: 27:56

That was that felt safe. For me too, but I didn't realize that that was what I was doing.

April Snow: 28:01

I had no idea. I would dance for like six hours straight, and I had no idea why, but I just didn't felt good.

Brianna Pastor: 28:07

Yeah, I would put on shows, like if I was around my cousins or anyone that was around. I really also love rap. Like I loved Eminem growing up, like I just loved the passion and anger in his voice, yeah. And like getting out those emotions, and I would just, you know, walk around the room like rapping and dancing, and my family would be like, Right, what's going on? Why is she so angry? You know, like but it's like, no, this is I feel good doing this.

April Snow: 28:41

Yeah, the question I was like, why aren't why aren't you angry?

Brianna Pastor: 28:45

Right? Like, how are you not?

April Snow: 28:47

How are you not? Exactly. That's the question of the times right now, right?

Brianna Pastor: 28:52

I think I was like nine.

April Snow: 28:53

Yeah, you were ahead of the game, yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 28:56

Just foreshadowing, you know.

April Snow: 28:58

It's foreshadowing, but you know, see, there's such innate wisdom in us as young HSPs because we have all this emotion running through us and we find unconventional or clever ways to move it through and just survive.

Brianna Pastor: 29:13

Right.

April Snow: 29:14

It's it's incredible to see just how that intuition comes through.

Brianna Pastor: 29:18

Right. And like the subtle ways that we unknowingly like may have protected ourselves without you know, like we think that we don't know what we're doing, we're children, and then you look back and you're like, How did I know to do that? Exactly, you know, how did where did that come from? Yeah, yeah. So just like wisdom without the overanalyzing, it's just innately there, and you don't realize yes, it's like a little superpower, yeah, exactly.

April Snow: 29:53

I love that. I want to end with a final quote from the book, which I think summarizes really well what we're talking about. This is on page 116.

Brianna Pastor: 30:03

One of my favorites.

April Snow: 30:05

Oh, this really this hit me at a really deep level. You say I was tough and I wasn't designed for it. That is the disconnect. It's like when you have to be tough for survival to get through to that safe space where you can be in control of your own self. But sometimes we don't have the choice. I mean, HSPs, we can be very resilient. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, especially given what all that we're aware of and taking in all the time, yet we still move through the world.

Brianna Pastor: 30:35

Right.

April Snow: 30:36

So there's just that natural resilience. But also when we go through trauma or hardship or, you know, life struggles or just being in the world right now, we have to be tough out of necessity. But also, we are thin-skinned and we are very empathetic or empathic. So yeah, I just wanna I wanted to get this into our conversation.

Brianna Pastor: 30:57

Yeah, absolutely. That is one of my favorite things I think I've written, mostly because if you know, you'd know. Like exactly there's a lot of talk from that I see online from therapists saying that you know, empaths or highly sensitive people are just deeply traumatized people, and they learned how to, you know, listen. And there is some truth to that, to, you know, like sure, we have been trained to listen for certain things and to to look out for certain things, especially if a highly sensitive person has been traumatized. But you are before any of the trauma begins, you are coming out that way. It is prevalent from the second you come out, you know.

April Snow: 31:50

You can see it in babies, how they respond to their world.

Brianna Pastor: 31:53

Exactly. And having that immediate reaction to the world before anything else has a chance to come at you. I just don't think you can really put a word, other word to that. No, and being tough, having no choice but to be. And then you take someone who really isn't designed for that, and you throw this multi-layered life of tragedy at them, and it's probably just the most confusing thing ever, because for the longest time I thought resilience had to look pretty. Like, look how she handled, look how she handled that with grace, with and I didn't by any means, you know. I acted out, I you know, I was lost, I was a lost kid trying to figure out how to live. I made poor decisions and no no guidance. And I look back and I'm like not proud of how I dealt with that. And that's the disconnect, is that it doesn't matter how I handled it. How was I to know any better at that time? You can be extremely resilient, and it doesn't have to look beautiful, like this pillar of something to be proud of. You can just be proud of it regardless of how you knew how to handle it at that point.

April Snow: 33:22

You know, I love that so much. This really speaks to me as well, because we yeah, we're told that resilience is neat, yes, put together and unemotional and stoic, and it is messy, yeah, so messy. You're getting through it because you're getting those emotions out along the way, or you're at least like having a release valve just to get the pressure off.

Brianna Pastor: 33:50

Right. And who said feelings had to be like neatly wrapped? Like, oh, sorry, just little tear. No, like if you're feeling anything, it's bigger than you know, it's just it's big, right?

April Snow: 34:08

Yeah, it's bigger, it's complex, there's so many layers all at once. There's no way to keep that in a tight little box. And people try, and usually it comes out in some other way, whether it's self-harm or it's you know, being disrespectful to someone in around you, or you know, some other form of breakdown where you might start to have mental health issues or physical health issues. Like your body needs to express it somehow, it will come out, whether you're realizing that's why or not.

Brianna Pastor: 34:39

Right. And, you know, I think I even wrote in belly ache if I had to say something, I forget what page it's on, to my younger. Oh, wow, that's weird. I opened right to it. Did you really? Yeah, it's on 110. And it says, if I could go back in time and tell little me one thing that would change the course of my entire life, it would be this cry your heart out. Because I mean, I'm dealing with things as an adult now that I sometimes question if I would have been able to feel this deeply from a younger age, would this be happening? Would I have these autoimmune diseases, these syndromes that I'm magically appearing, and would I be getting sick all the time? Like even though it's something I'm constantly working through now, it starts to show up at some point. Even if you think, oh, that was my past, I'll get past it. I mean, I'm in my 30s now and just starting to adapt to a different way of living with illnesses.

April Snow: 35:50

But right, because the past is always in the present. It's inform the present, it's here with us.

Brianna Pastor: 35:56

Right.

April Snow: 35:57

Yeah, it's it in your system. Our systems.

Brianna Pastor: 36:02

You can't change it, but it doesn't mean that it's not still walking with you. Exactly. It's just walking behind you, you know. Thank you for that. It's so true. Yeah, I like that. I gotta write that one down. I mean, it's like okay, we're walking forward, but there's still someone walking behind. I mean, they're not going anywhere. Yeah, like you're not that person anymore, but it doesn't mean they're not still behind you.

April Snow: 36:34

Oh, yeah. Like you're made up of all those different versions of yourself.

Brianna Pastor: 36:38

Yeah.

April Snow: 36:39

Like you can't outrun yourself.

Brianna Pastor: 36:41

Imagine you just like, you know, picture yourself walking in a straight line. You see all these versions of like who you're gonna be, and you look back and you just see like you know, like the vision of the caveman to the yes, and you just see like every different version behind you. Like you don't forget them, you can't go back, but they're still there, still there. It's hard to yeah.

April Snow: 37:08

Yeah, I always wish for that where I could just sit next to my the different versions of myself.

Brianna Pastor: 37:12

It's it's odd, it's an odd feeling.

April Snow: 37:17

It really is. Like it can be a little disorienting, like, oh wow, look how far I've come, or look all that's happened, or just trying to relate to yourself and integrate all the different parts and the different timelines. Yeah.

Brianna Pastor: 37:30

My therapist had me print pictures out of me at different aspects of my life and put them in a row.

April Snow: 37:38

Oh, that's powerful.

Brianna Pastor: 37:40

And I'll take time to just look at them and I'm like, who was that? Like, I felt so disconnected from each of them. Like, like that can't possibly have been me. And yeah, yeah, it's that's like whoa. That's how you know you have work to do, is when you're like, that's not me.

April Snow: 38:01

Right. Right. So more integration work, do you mean?

Brianna Pastor: 38:04

Right. Yeah.

April Snow: 38:07

Yeah. I've done that with looking at like a younger photo of myself, but I've never put them in a row. Try it. I'm like, you'll have you'll have to let me know. I will. That would be interesting to see the jumps from timeline to timeline. Yeah. Because I do feel like my life has been in these chapters. Right. Wow. Well, Brie, this has been a very rich conversation. I really am grateful for you lending your voice today and sharing your stories with us. I'm wondering if there's any final thoughts before we wrap up.

Brianna Pastor: 38:43

I'm just super grateful. Thank, of course, thank you for having me and speaking with me and relating to me and understanding every I just feel like we could talk forever. But I just I don't want anyone to ever feel like no one understands. That's my main intention and point. Anytime I put a book out, is regardless of what it's about. I don't want anyone to feel like they're the only person in the world that could understand or feel that way. So yeah, I really do just hope that belly ache can make someone feel a little more seen.

April Snow: 39:24

I mean, I will say, just starting with myself, I felt seen on multiple levels throughout this book. And I don't know, you probably can't see it on the video, but I highlighted so many different passages because it felt like it wasn't just my sensitivity that was getting seen, but it was that piece around going through trauma at a younger age and how that imprints on you and that resilience you have to hold on to, and then the shedding of that and all the different layers. So I excitedly read through these pages and just sat with them, and it was more than just words on a page. It was, I feel like it was like just a tether to go inward and to reflect on my own experiences through your experiences. So it was this is a really powerful read for me. I'm honestly not a big poetry person, surprisingly. I'm more of a music lyrics person, but I understand. Yeah. But this truly helped me feel seen in a very deep and profound way. So I thank you for that. And I can't wait for listeners to sit with it and do their own introspection work around it.

Brianna Pastor: 40:26

Thank you. I can't wait to see. This is so different from a lot of things that I've written. So I'm excited to see how people relate to it. If they do, if they don't, it's probably a good thing if they don't, you know. But I just I'm really excited and it's nice to know that there are other people in the world who can read this and go, yep.

April Snow: 40:46

Mm-hmm. Yes, someone gets it. I'm not alone.

Brianna Pastor: 40:49

Mm-hmm. All right. I'm not going crazy, you know, I'm not insane. That's right. Feeling this. Just a lot of things that I felt like someone had to say it.

April Snow: 41:00

Thank you for doing it. Yeah. Oh, of course. Thank you. Thank you for reading it. Of course. I was honored. So I'll definitely share your link for this book, Bellyache, and also Good Grief in the show notes for folks if they want to grab a copy. It'll be out February 24th.

Brianna Pastor: 41:16

Yes. But yep, Belly Ache.

April Snow: 41:18

Belly Ache will be out for the soon.

Brianna Pastor: 41:20

That's so soon.

April Snow: 41:22

Oh, goodness. And it will be already out by the time this conversation comes out. Yay. Oh. Thank you so much, Brie. Thank you. We'll talk soon. We'll talk soon. Thank you. Thanks so much for joining me and Brie for today's conversation. I hope it reminds you that you're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you for having big feelings. You can find Brie's new poetry book, Bellyache, anywhere you get your books. Links are also in the show notes. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated. For behind the scenes content and more HSP resources, you can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestories.com for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.